This news is a bit old, but it still cracks me up whenever I think about it. Some researchers in England recently published the results of their study comparing the stimulative effect on the human brain of eating chocolate, as compared with “a passionate kiss”. It was written up in an article on the BBC News web site.

Couples had their heart rates and brains monitored whilst they first melted chocolate in their mouths and then kissed…chocolate caused a more intense and longer lasting “buzz” than kissing.

Yaaawn, right? What I find amusing is not what they studied, but what they obviously wanted to study, but were too cowardly to actually try.

An anonymous source within the research team confirms my suspicions, saying this about their original concept:

We wanted to take it further, you know? Really push the limits. We wanted to go beyond Last Tango in Paris.

Oops. That wasn’t really one of the researchers; that was Mickey Rourke talking about some stupid movie he did back in the 80′s. But my point is this: They probably won’t admit it, but we all know that’s what they were thinking! Who cares about comparing chocolate to a kiss? Nobody. They spent their time and someone’s money to answer a little question that nobody was asking, while ignoring the big one. Come on scientists! Ask yourselves, “What would Madame Curie have done?!”

In their defense, though, imagine the meeting where they’re presenting their research proposal:

Researcher: We’d like to hook people up to the hospital’s astonishingly expensive brain imaging equipment and have other people perform sex acts on them. Then we’ll give them candy.

Boss: …

Researcher: Uhm. OK. How about if the people aren’t necessarily the Dallas Cowboy Cheer Leaders?

Boss: …

Researcher: Well, then. I see you have some reservations. Second base? No nudity?

Boss: …

Researcher: Aww maaan! OK, OK, OK then. Just kissing.

Boss: And they have to be married!   To each other!

Thus does humanity remain in a fog of ignorance and superstition. Someday, perhaps in a more enlightened age, science will settle the question of whether chocolate is better than sex. But in the mean time, I suggest we all conduct our own experiments.

Sure, go ahead. Try this at home!

I was in a shop the other day drooling over their selection of gourmet chocolate (I really should take a bib with me). Looking at the ingredient lists on the backs of the packages I noticed that many, including some of the supposedly high-grade, expensive stuff have “soya lecithin” listed as an ingredient. OMGWTF, I thought – surely it signals the end of the world (The Chocpocalypse!) when even the supposedly top class chocolate makers are debasing their product with the same kind of stuff you find in a Twinky!

So I went on a mini quest to get to the bottom of this (possible) outrage against humanity. Here’s what I found out:

• soy lecithin extracted from the oil of the soy bean
• it’s a natural emulsifier – emulsifier is like a thinner, makes a thick flow more freely
• they use it in chocolate to help prevent the cocoa-solids separating from the cocoa butter
• using lecithin allows the manufacturer to get by with less cocoa butter
• soy lecithin is used as a nutritional supplement because it contains choline, which is good for the heart and aids brain development
• some (but not all) people with soy protein allergies also have reactions to soy lecithin

Conclusion: Sounds like corner-cutting to me. I’d prefer not to have this in my chocolate, but since I’m not allergic to soy it won’t stop me from eating it as long as the chocolate still tastes good. But if you have a soy allergy, you might want to look at the ingredients before buying and stick to the lecithin-free varieties.

Sometimes I see and hear both the beans and the powder referred to as either “cocoa” or “cacao”. They seem to be used interchangeably, and I thought it might be a Europe vs. Americas thing. Or maybe pronouncing and spelling  it “cacao” is just a way for the snootier among us to differentiate themselves from the plebs. I decided to get to the bottom of this, even if it means I have to choose sides.

First stop – the dictionary. According to Webster’s, cacao refers to the beans and cocoa is the powder made from the beans (with the oil/cocoa-butter removed).

Everyone seems to agree that “Theobroma cacao” is the precise name for the tree that produces the cacao bean.

Next we visit the World Cocoa Foundation. They seem to have a difference of opinion with Mr. Webster. They agree on the tree being cacao, but the call the fruit of the cacao tree cocoa pods and cocoa beans. You’d normally assume that with their name, they’re a real authority, but then again, maybe they’d sing a different tune if they were called the World Cacao Foundation.

So far, nothing is settled, so let’s try one more authority, the All Chocolate web site. The site is “sponsored” (= owned)  by Hershey’s – not sure if that implies any bias or not. Here’s what they have to say:

It is generally agreed among chocolate experts that the correct term for referring to the beans is “cacao” while the right word for the powder made from them is “cocoa”

Alright then, it’s certainly not unanimous, but let’s define on the official Friends With Chocolate stance on the cacao vs cocoa debate:

If anyone cares to debate the issue, comments are open. On the other hand, you say cocoa, I’ll say cacao, and let’s call the whole thing off…

Uncle Ken, Where Does Chocolate Come From? Well, children, it’s like this:

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.

Not buying it, eh? Kids these days – they always want the complicated explanation. Well, I found the truth on YouTube. It’s a promotional video for an organic chocolate company, but it’s not too advertisey and it’s the best short video I could find explaining cacao processing. (I waste my morning surfing YouTube, so that you can waste yours surfing this blog.)

Here’s the play-by-play in case you want just the facts.

1. Grow cacao plants
2. Harvest the ripe pods
3. Get the seeds out of the pods
4. Dump the seeds into a big wooden box and let them sit there for a while, fermenting
5. Dry the fermented seeds in the sun or some kind of mechanical dryer
6. Get the hard skins off of the seeds, keeping the “nibs”
7. Grind the nibs
8. Squeeze/press the cocoa oil out of the nibs
9. The oil cools and becomes cocoa butter
10. The remaining de-oiled nibs are now squashed into a hard cake
11. Grind the caked cocoa-bean substance into a powder
12. That’s cocoa powder!

And that’s about it. Any more questions? Ask your Mother.

Do you know what a midge is? In case some don’t, it’s a disgusting little blood-sucking fly, sometimes known to campers as the evil “no-see-um”.  I was about to add a photo of a midge to this post, but then thought, why risk traumatizing my sensitive readers? So, if midges are so gross, why are they our friends? They’re our friends because of what they do to these lovelies:

Waitin' for my midge

Yes, those are the flowers of the beloved cocoa, and guess who services them pollination-wise? Our ugly little friend, the midge. Suddenly the song “Is She Really Going Out With Him” by Joe Jackson is running through my head for some reason.  That’s just how it is, right guys? But, without the despicable little midge (the exact type is Forcipomyiinae) the cacao flower would not get pollinated, no cacao pods would form; therefore no cocoa beans, no cocoa, no chocolate. The horror!

So next time one of those little bastards bites you, be sure to say, Thanks Midge!

Enough to buy a cup of cocoa?

I guess we should file this under Chocolate Trivia. Did you know (I didn’t until a minute ago) that the cacao bean was once used as money? Yep. In ancient Mesoamerica – from what is now Mexico on down through to the northern part of South America – the cacao bean was once legal tender, so to speak. According to some sources, the beans were used in place of coins right up into the 1800s in parts of the Yucatan peninsula

Back in the day, 80 beans or so would buy you a hip and trendy cloth mantle. (About the same as today if you shop at Banana Republic.) A mantle, by the way, is a piece of clothing kind of like a cape. The sort of thing you might wear nowadays if you were the Pope. But hang on to your beans ’cause I hear they’re coming back in style.

The Aztec empire used to receive tributes (i.e taxes) to the sum of up to about 8 million cacao beans. The use of fake cacao beans by scammers was not unknown…